Icarus
by roseleeks
Summary: ONESHOT. Hermione teaches Ron about bug zappers with a little help from Harry. Set during GoF.


**Disclaimer:** J. K. Rowling owns all of the Harry Potter characters, but I think Icarus is up for grabs, as whoever he belonged to is currently dead. Icarus is only important because he's the title, but wouldn't it be brilliant to have your own mythological personality? I'm sure most people would prefer a deity, but some of the mortals do have their charm, when they aren't making stupid mistakes. Also, "cunning plan" is from Blackadder.

**Author's Note:** This fic takes place during GoF after the arrival of the foreign students.

_**Icarus**_

Hermione was having a nice, peaceful dinner. Ron and Harry hadn't come down to the Great Hall yet, and she was perusing an incredibly interesting account of Muggle dragon sightings during the Middle Ages. Of course, at dinner, this is generally considered quite rude (reading, not dragons), but etiquette is not important when no one is watching.

However, very soon someone walked in who would watch…and taunt…and just be generally annoying if he saw her combining eating and reading. It was his belief that food ought to be the sole focus of dinner and was impossible to fully savor when otherwise distracted. Hermione reluctantly closed her book as Ron slid into the seat across from her and plopped some mashed potatoes onto his plate. She needn't have bothered, though, because Ron was concentrating on something over her left shoulder and was thus completely oblivious to her atrocious manners.

Hermione knew, without glancing behind her, what had caught Ron's attention. She looked back anyway, to see if Ron would notice. He didn't. She stole some of his mashed potatoes so that he would be provoked. He wasn't. She poked him in the shoulder to see if he would break out of his trance. He wouldn't. She poked him in the shoulder with a fork. He yelped.

"What'd you do that for?" He seemed shocked. Apparently, he still hadn't caught on, though Hermione had done the same thing at nearly every dinner during the past week.

She sighed. And she'd hoped that he would be easy to train.

She was tired of explaining that his silly infatuation with Fleur could only have bad consequences. She was even more tired of hearing him deny that he _had_ an infatuation. The poor boy really was quite clueless. Admitting the problem was the first step. He'd never be cured.

"Ron, do you know what a bug zapper does?" she asked.

"Blimey, Hermione, does it matter? You attacked me with _cutlery_. _Again_." Hermione noticed with interest that his face became redder and his glare became more murderous every time she poked him. She knew he'd never really kill her, so she was curious what the effect would be if he finally reached the breaking point. She wished he had been around when she had to do science fair projects at her old school. But she didn't have time for that at the moment. She was too intent on mocking him subtly. He'd never get it. Hee. Subtlety was going to be fun.

"Of course I did," she replied. "And now that I have your attention, I want to have a conversation. So, ever heard of a bug zapper?" She could tell that she was getting through to him. The homicidal look on his face was slowly being replaced by one of annoyance, followed by confusion and curiosity. It was mostly just confusion, but at least he was attempting to take an interest in something other than the dainty way in which Fleur ate her string beans.

"Er…no," he said. He was looking at her now. Good.

"I'll make this simple, then. I'll give you some background information. Bugs are attracted to lights," Hermione began. "So, if you want to attract bugs in the dark, the best way to go about it would be to…"

Ron did not like to be talked down to. "Make a light. I'm not _stupid_," he said. "And who wants to attract bugs in the dark?"

"Shh. Listen to the rest of this. Humans don't like bugs."

"Get on to the parts I don't know already, won't you?" Ron was very annoyed. Hermione was trying not to smile.

"Well, Muggles have come up with a cunning plan to keep their porches bug-free forever," she went on. "Picture this. You are the bug."

Ron grimaced. Hermione ignored him.

"You are flying around at night, minding your own business, when you see a light." Ron looked very odd trying to picture himself as a bug, but Hermione appreciated his attempt at participation. Also, it meant that he didn't notice Harry enter the Great Hall and walk up behind him. Hermione winked at Harry.

"You want to go back to your own business, buzzing around and annoying the humans," Hermione said, trying not to giggle (Harry narrowly escaped laughing and giving away his presence), "but this brightness has captivated you. You obsess over it. It draws you closer, closer, and suddenly–"

"Aaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh!" The rest of the students gave the Gryffindor table strange looks as Harry assisted Hermione in her explanation by attacking Ron, who did not like surprises.

"You're zapped," Hermione finished unnecessarily. She grinned. "Constant vigilance, Ron."


End file.
